The wrinkled page 68 of diocesan faith formation director Jeff Hines’s 1921 copy of the Baltimore Catechism taught a generation of Catholics the following about vocations:

“God, we are told, assigned to every one in this world a certain work to perform in a particular state of life, and this work is called ‘vocation.’ One, for instance, is to be a priest; another, a layman; one married; another single, etc.”

It was those three letters — that “etc” — that would create confusion and agony for years to come, as single Catholics attempted to discern their way through the murky waters of “vocation.”

In recent years, a growing number of young people are choosing to be single and are content about it. A 2022 study by the Pew Research Center found 30 percent of adults in the U.S. are single, with 34 percent of women and 63 percent of men between the ages of 18 and 35 reporting that they are single and content — in other words, not actively seeking dates or relationships. 

These numbers are a stark contrast to just 22 percent of people in 1950 being single, according to the U.S. Census Bureau. 

The Survey Center on American Life reported in 2023 the reasons young people are staying single run the gamut — people are not interested in dating, they enjoy being single more than being in a relationship, they cannot find someone who meets their expectations or they have more important priorities at the moment, including education, careers and building up personal finances. Many of these young and single people are open to the possibility of serious relationships and marriage in the future. 

But in the Catholic Church, singlehood comes with additional baggage, such as stress, anxiety and agony over discernment. 

U.S. Catholic reported in 2020 that 6.4 percent of single Catholics were widowed, 27.7 percent were never married, 3.3 percent were separated and 8.7 percent were divorced. The ambiguity of not fitting into a neat and tidy box has left many Catholics feeling lesser than and unseen in their own Church.

Catechism on vocations

Hines points to the domino effect that resulted from the “et cetera” in the Baltimore Catechism. 

“Now, in the old days — the Baltimore Catechism days — people were told, ‘Young person, you need to think about your vocation. Do you want to be a priest or a layperson or married or single?’ Did they ever say ‘et cetera?’ Maybe your vocation is to be an et cetera,” Hines said with a laugh. “What did they mean by that? I think what has happened is, for a generation or more, nobody knew what ‘et cetera’ meant, so they stopped reading, and they taught that, ‘Well, your vocation is to be married or ordained or single. And you need to pick one.’ And now we realize that life doesn’t fit in tidy boxes.”

Now, the Catechism no longer points to a vocation of singlehood. 

“In the current catechism, this is not in there — the vocation of a single person,” Hines said. “What is in there is the consecrated virgin idea, the person who decides to renounce the married life for the kingdom of God. That paragraph is in the section on marriage, and it talks about the sacrament of marriage. It does say being married is a vocation, but it recognizes that some people renounce marriage. That doesn’t mean all people who are single have renounced marriage. You could call that a vocation, but the catechism doesn’t use that word for it.”

Hines suspects a good portion of the anxiety and misunderstanding faced by single Catholics is felt under the assumption that singlehood has to be selected as a vocation, which is incorrect. 

Consecrated single life

Andrea Olvera, a 23-year-old parishioner at Our Lady of the Holy Souls in Little Rock, is discerning a vocation as a consecrated virgin. She had heard God’s call to her as a child, but always assumed she would grow up to get married and become a mother like the other women in her family. 

“Growing up … I always kind of knew that God was calling me into that side of … marrying him,” Olvera said. “And it was really scary growing up because I didn’t want to accept it. I was like, ‘No, I’m going to be a mom, and I’m going to get married. I was so used to watching my mom do motherhood, and it just seemed so normal.” 

But then, Olvera had a life-changing experience at a religious retreat in 2021 that opened her eyes. 

“Around maybe three years ago, I started asking God about my relationships,” Olvera said. “I had like a really deep encounter with him at a retreat. And that’s when I started thinking about it again and God reminded me of what he had told me ever since I was really little. But it didn’t feel as scary this time. I went with it, and I told God, ‘This is what you want from me. Just help me, guide me through it. I have absolutely no idea what to do.’”

After much research, prayer and discernment, Olvera plans to become a consecrated virgin in the future.

“I’m looking forward to consecrating myself within the Catholic Church. I just haven’t been able to because I have so many things to do … but I was telling (a friend) not too long ago that I just feel like it’s what I need to do — my consecration — to be able to live my life comfortably.”

But it took much discerning to reach this point. Over the last few years, as Olvera’s friends began to get married and start families, Olvera was anxious about her own future. 

“I remember I told God, ‘I don’t know how this will work. All my friends are getting married, everyone’s going to eventually be married and then I’m going to be alone. I don’t think you want me to be alone.’ And then God would just constantly remind me, ‘You’re not going to be alone. I’m going to be with you the whole time.”

Olvera’s family and friends struggled to understand that Olvera considered herself to be in a relationship with her faith. They often tried to steer her toward married and religious vocations. 

“I respect nuns a lot because I could never do that,” Olvera said. “I know that I couldn’t do it because I’m the type of person who loves loving Jesus in my ordinary life. … I have to be constantly moving.”

Weddings and career

Elizabeth Reha, director of family life at the Diocese of Little Rock, has noticed a growing trend of single people. 

“We’re definitely seeing the trend with the number of weddings declining,” Reha said. “You’ll hear single people reference their family of origin that they didn’t see a successful marriage or a peaceful marriage or a happy marriage, and so they don’t want to make the same mistakes.”

Reha said the pandemic had repercussions of many people normalizing being alone as well as younger generations not being in a rush to make big life decisions. 

“I think also the younger generation looks at their older selves as having plenty of time, and then that time goes by,” Reha said.

Reha also said developments in financial, educational and career opportunities for women, in particular, have led to smaller families, and in turn, less opportunity to practice parenting and familial roles. 

“If there’s not as many children, you don’t get to practice taking care of a niece or a nephew,” Reha said. “Then you start hearing, ‘I don’t want to have children.’ Sometimes it’s a combination of things that make being on their own comfortable. Maybe having a poor experience with a partner, or having a bad experience with family, and even the dating process is so different now.”

Reha said she faced many challenges as a single person directing marriage preparation and family life courses because of her status as a single person. 

“It’s always been a challenge for a single woman, non-religious, non-married, to find their place in the Church,” Reha said. “Luckily, the Church has been broadening so that it allows those single men and women to be able to do ministry. I think we have a long way to go, but I think we’re going in the right direction. … I went to the (former bishop, Archbishop J. Peter Sartain) and said, ‘How do you feel about your family life director being single and doing marriage preparation?’ And he said, “Well, I’m not married.’”

Reha believes there is pressure on young single people to discern a married or religious vocation, but not as much willingness to involve single people in familial or Church activities. 

“I think there’s that pressure to go ahead and get married or become religious … I want to remind couples that there are people like me who need the opportunity to be with family, so invite them. I heard long ago, when I had the singles ministry (in my office), that a single person had gone to a parish and always wanted to take the gifts up, but the ushers never asked the single people to bring up the gifts. I think that’s something we can recognize easily in our parishes.” 

Focused on careers

“Marie” is a 26-year-old singer who attends the Cathedral of St. Andrew in Little Rock, who wishes to remain anonymous. She recalls being confused about vocations based on how they were taught in parochial school.

“I remember that we discussed vocations, and it was talked about really often that people were sometimes called to a single life,” Marie said. “I think it’s a valid thing for people to choose, being single for the sake of doing the good you want to do in the world. Sometimes (marriage) also just doesn’t happen for people. 

“I thought there were three or four different vocations, depending on whether you were a man or a woman, based on how vocations were taught to me in parochial school. For women, there’s married life, religious life or single life, and if you’re a man, it’s the priesthood, or religious life and married (at the same time, in the case of deacons), or married or single. So if singlehood isn’t a vocation, that’s new to me.”

For Marie, focus on school and her career outweigh romance and relationships. 

“I’m still in a degree program, so the physical time it would take to date someone right now … it doesn’t fit in very well with grad school and work and outside projects,” Marie said. “It doesn’t necessarily seem very conducive to a good dating life because you want to give someone the time that they deserve instead of fitting them into your schedule somewhere. 

“To be honest, I’m not looking at the moment, which doesn’t mean I’m not open to the idea of dating someone, but I’m not actively trying to. I’m sure someday I will feel like I would like to date someone, but right now, at least with the people I’m surrounded by, there aren’t many eligible Catholic bachelors.”

Marie has noticed the trend of growing singlehood in her own age group, and some parishioners have tried to sway her one way or another. 

“I know there are some people who are dating, but I know everyone is waiting much longer to get married,” Marie said. “Several years ago, I think the average age of marriage was probably much lower. Every so often, one of the older people in the parish will ask, ‘Do you have a boyfriend yet?’ But I’m not horribly offended by that. I always tell them, ‘If you can find me one, you’re welcome to bring him to me.’” 

Marie suggests a reevaluation of the term “vocation” in the Church. 

“I think we really need to redefine ‘vocation’ because of the secular sense of the word, in which a vocation is just a craft that you’re putting your life toward,” Marie said. “Woodworking is a vocation. I think that word has been taught as basically whatever you’re dedicating your life toward. 

“The idea of having one vocation as a disciple of Christ is taught in parochial school as more of a collective mission of the Church, to be disciples of Christ, and then a vocation is a subsect of that mission. I think the word ‘vocation’ has been used incorrectly. … It doesn’t seem like what vocations actually are lines up with the way that we use it in the Church.”

35 and older

Jessica Petter, 35, is the director of faith formation for seventh-12th graders at St. Stephen Church in Bentonville, director of Catholic Young Adults in Northwest Arkansas and the area contact for the Arkansas and Oklahoma region for Life Teen International. Petter stays busy in her home parish, St. Elizabeth Church in Eureka Springs. 

“I enjoy working for the Church. I enjoy building up a community of youth ministry, and I love to give back to my home parish. All really beautiful things,” Petter said. “But there’s this idea that because I’m not married, and I don’t have kids, I’m obliged to do this, or that I intend to do this forever.”

Petter said she’s been single the majority of her adult life because dating as a devout Catholic presents its own unique difficulties. 

“I really think my adult relationships are rooted in identity,” Petter said. “I am very confident, 100,000 percent, that I’m God’s beloved daughter. Know thyself. For me to find a spouse, my number one criterion is that you love Jesus and you know he loves you. And I don’t think a lot of people are in as good a relationship with Christ and the Church as we would like to believe by looking at the peripheral numbers.”

Petter said as a teenager, she fell away from the Church, but when she returned as a 21-year-old, parishioners were eager to nudge her toward a religious vocation. 

“I think considering religious life is important … But I distinctly remember people asking if I had considered becoming a religious sister or a nun when I had already done the prayer work and was a thousand percent confident that I was not called to religious life.”

Petter wants to get married and be a mother “more than anything.” 

“I am confident in my discernment, and I don’t think I missed the boat. I am clinging to the Scripture verse that when the time is right, the Lord will make it happen,” Petter said. “I have no idea when that’s going to be, but I trust that it’s going to be. But when people don’t see that happening quantitatively in your life as I get older, they’re like, ‘Oh, are you still clinging to this idea?’

“It can be really discouraging, because I think I have a really full, abundant life. I love the work that I do. I have wonderful friends. I go to Disney World more often than the average person gets to. I have a cat that I adore. I have a good, full life. And it can be really difficult to articulate that to people, because I think it gets lost in this waiting period of just waiting for your boat.”

For Petter and other single Catholics, the pressure of discernment and feeling misplaced in the Church can be agonizing. 

“I can speak from personal experience about how I have agonized over this and have wept over this and have felt like I have done something wrong because there’s not a box that I fit into,” Petter said. 

Petter believes there needs to be a better way to teach vocations. 

“Look at the vocation materials for working with teens. We talk about vocations a lot because, as a young person, they should be considering their vocations and praying for these things … But when you look through the books, there will be one line on the single life, and literal chapters on married and religious life. … Jesus is the high priest, the model for us all. But he had friends and a family and a full, abundant life. That wasn’t lacking because he wasn’t married and he wasn’t the priest of the temple. What box would we put Jesus in?”

Ben Rowse, a 38-year-old parishioner at St. Stephen Church in Bentonville, once discerned a religious vocation at the encouragement of his pastor during his senior year of high school. For the next two years, he agonized over whether or not he had made the right decision. Ultimately, Rowse discerned out of the seminary.

“I’m very at peace with where I’m at now in that decision,” Rowse said. “I discerned extensively, I mean, a lot of prayer on that. I felt peace with the decision to leave, and I felt that same peace about leaving ever since.”

Rowse said he is actively pursuing dating now after focusing on his personal life over the last few years. 

“It’s kind of tough to find someone who aligns with my core Catholic beliefs, because there’s just not many people in this area who are Catholic,” Rowse said. “I’m open to dating non-Catholics, but oftentimes something within my core system of beliefs conflicts with theirs, so it winds up not working out.”

Rowse said while trends of people staying single are on the upswing, he is still asked by family members if he plans on getting married. While Rowse is involved in his parish, he said there were times “some people have expected me to do more, because I’m single.” Rowse said he has learned to get involved, but sets reasonable expectations for involvement in his parish. 

“I’m 38, and I still don’t know what my vocation is,” Rowse said with a laugh. “One of the biggest things that’s been helpful to me is continuing to put myself out there and … not letting rejection get you down. … and taking whatever feelings of discouragement or stress or fear I have and bringing that to God. Praying about it and figuring it out and working through it.”

A new perspective

Fortunately, Hines and other theological experts offer a fresh perspective for looking at vocations that might help more single Catholics find peace.

“A better way to look at vocation is from the Catechism of the Catholic Church #1533,” Hines said. “We all have ‘the common vocation of all Christ’s disciples, a vocation to holiness and to the mission of evangelizing the world.’”

Father Andrew Hart, JCL, diocesan theological advisor, said the basic call to holiness should be every Catholic’s main vocation. 

“In the light of the world and the circumstances we find ourselves in now, there’s been a broadened understanding of how one can live out our basic call to holiness that we all have a main vocation, to be holy and to seek God and to seek to serve God, and how to do that in ways that don’t fit neatly into one of those three (vocational) boxes,” Father Hart said. “What we do need to think about is God’s timing, and not rush into something. We can get caught in a crisis of discernment and never make a decision. For some people, discernment becomes a vocation in itself.”

Hines proposes a call to holiness and discipleship in Christ as everyone’s primary vocation, while understanding that specializations, such as religious vows, marital vows and consecrated virginity, exist within the vocation to be a disciple of Christ. 

“We would all do well to concentrate on our common vocation,” Hines said, “to be disciples of Christ.”

Deacon Matt Glover, chancellor for canonical affairs for the Diocese of Little Rock, answers common questions engaged couples might have about what is expected of them from Church law when it comes to their wedding and marriage.

What are the “right” reasons for being married in the Catholic Church?

“We believe that the Catholic Church contains the fullness of truth, and thus the fullness of every means by which we can get to heaven. And if we believe that, then we also want our marriage to be grounded and based in that fullness of truth, and we want to pass along that same truth to our children,” Glover said. “… Part of that fullness of truth includes that matrimony is a sacrament, and with that sacrament comes real graces from God to help us lead holy and fulfilling marriages in accordance with God’s plan for us. The Church wants all marriages not only to survive, but to thrive — and the only way we can do this is if the couple is completely open and transparent with their priest or deacon preparing them for marriage. There is nothing that the priest or deacon hasn’t already heard before from a couple. So, couples shouldn’t be shy or embarrassed about expressing their doubts, concerns or hesitations about getting married in the Church and all that that entails. It’s only when couples are honest with the priest or deacon that the Church can then help them work through and resolve some of those issues.”

 

Why do I have to do marriage preparation?

Every sacrament in the Catholic Church requires preparation.

“Marriage is even all the more so because you’re committing the entirety of the rest of your lives here on earth to one another. So it’s not just a sacrament that’s affecting you personally like receiving first reconciliation, or first Communion. It’s a sacrament that’s binding two people together,” Glover said.

 

Since 2012, a natural family planning course is required for nearly all couples in the Diocese of Little Rock. Why do I have to take a NFP course?

While not every diocese requires it, many do, including the Diocese of Little Rock. A woman’s cycle has fertile and infertile times, which can allow couples to postpone pregnancy naturally by abstaining during fertile times. While Glover, who teaches NFP with his wife, said it’s “more than 99 percent effective” it is still open to life. The Church has always believed artificial contraception is a sin, and sex is reserved only for married couples, as it must be both unitive and procreative.

“In doing marriage prep the Church’s job is to give a couple all the tools that it can give in order to create a happy, healthy and stable marriage that will last forever. We’re not in the business of setting people up for failure in marriage and so we want couples to learn NFP, at least be exposed to it,” Glover said. He acknowledged that while not every couple will follow it, “maybe at some point in the future, they might have that conversion of heart. … We’ve at least planted that seed and gave them the initial tools.”

 

What if I am divorced, can I get remarried in the Church?

A divorced person cannot be married in the Catholic Church unless their first Catholic marriage has been declared invalid by a diocesan tribunal, following Jesus’ clear teachings in Matthew 19.

“If at least one person is Catholic, and if they were married outside of the Catholic Church without the proper permissions or dispensations, then yes, that marriage is invalid. However, if neither person was Catholic at the time of the wedding, then the marriage is presumed to be valid, even if it did not take place in a Christian church,” Glover said. “If the marriage has been proven to be invalid, then the Church through the tribunal declares that the marriage was never valid to begin with. And so unless there was what we call a declaration of invalidity for that first marriage, then you cannot get remarried in the Church.”

 

What do I need to do if my fiancé/fiancée is not Christian or not Catholic?

Certain permissions or dispensations must be requested by the priest from the diocese’s Chancery Office. If a Catholic marries a baptized Christian, a “permission for mixed religion” is required in order for the marriage to be licit (lawful). If a Catholic marries a non-baptized person, a “dispensation from disparity of cult” is required in order for the marriage to be valid.

“Any valid marriage between two baptized Christians is a sacrament,” Glover said.

 

In a mixed/interfaith marriage, do we have to promise to raise our children Catholic? If we say no, are we not allowed to be married in the Church?

Before Vatican II, the non-Catholic fiancé/fiancée was required to sign a form promising that any children from the marriage be raised Catholic. This has changed and is now the requirement of the Catholic to sign the form.

“We want them to want to raise their kids Catholic despite being married to a non-Catholic. Otherwise, why are they getting married in the Catholic Church? Is it just to please their mom or their grandmother or family pressures or they think the Catholic Church is the prettiest one in town?”

Glover said “getting married ‘in the Catholic Church’ means getting married into the fullness of truth.” In order for a “permission for mixed religion” to be granted, “certain conditions are first fulfilled, for the purpose of protecting the Catholic from any danger of defecting from the Catholic faith. One of those conditions is that the Catholic person must ‘make a sincere promise to do all in his or her power so that all offspring are baptized and brought up in the Catholic Church’ (Canon 1125). If the Catholic person is unwilling or unable to make that sincere promise, then the ‘permission for mixed religion’ will not be granted, and the couple will not be permitted to marry in the Catholic Church.”

 

Can I get married if I am living with my fiancé/fiancée before marriage?

“Yes, but any couple who is cohabitating before marriage is presumed to be, even if they are not having sex, they are living a lifestyle that projects to the world as if they are in a married, committed relationship. Just because certain practices have become commonplace in our society doesn’t mean that it aligns with the Church’s teachings and doesn’t mean the Church ought to change its teachings on it,” Glover said. “So yes, they can get married, but those are issues that they need to be totally upfront with whoever is preparing them for marriage. There could be understandable reasons that brought about the couple living together. Financial reasons, maybe they began living together before they had a conversion of heart about the nature of chastity and sex before marriage, but now they’re only six months away from their wedding date and to move out and then move back in financially is an impossibility, or whatever … They really ought to strive to live chastely during that time of marriage preparation even if they hadn’t been up until that time.”

 

Why can’t I do an outdoor or a destination wedding?

A destination wedding is allowed, but it must be celebrated in a Catholic Church. Glover said the “default presumption” in canon law is that the wedding be performed in the parish of the bride or groom because it’s a communal, church-wide celebration as it’s the “spiritual home” home of the couple. An outdoor wedding is only permitted in “exceptional circumstances” not because a couple has a love of nature. Though the couple may feel close to God in nature, Glover said they’re missing the bigger picture.

“Although nature is beautiful … it’s not the same as a dedicated, consecrated space that’s set apart solely for the worship of God. We believe with a wedding, you’re making a promise and vows not just to each other, but you’re making them in front of God. So the most appropriate place to do that is in God’s house, a sacred space.”

 

Can I get married at my fiancé/fiancée’s house of worship?

A Catholic wedding can take place under the direction of the non-Catholic person’s religious leader and at their house of worship only if there is a special relationship between the non-Catholic person and the non-Catholic minister. A dispensation “from canonical form” is requested by the priest and granted by Glover. This allows the wedding to still be considered “in” the Catholic Church.

“It’s only for if there’s a special close relationship between the non-Catholic and whatever his or her faith affiliation is. So if you’re marrying a Methodist and they want to get married at Fellowship Bible because they really think it’s neat out there, that wouldn’t be permitted. It’s to recognize a close connection between the non-Catholic party and their whole family,” Glover said.

A priest can be present and say a prayer within the ceremony, but he could not be the officiant if it is in a non-Catholic house of worship.

 

My friend got married in the Catholic Church at X church and she got to do Y. Why won’t my priest let me do Y?

Depending on the size of a parish and the number of weddings each year, pastors have to draw the line somewhere on what can or cannot be permitted. 

“The reality is when a priest is made pastor of a parish he has the full care of souls over that parish and anything that occurs in that parish. Although there are certain liturgical things a priest can do or not do, there are other things a pastor would have discretion on how to do certain things or what to permit or not to permit,” Glover said.

 

Can I have a Mass if my fiancé/fiancée is not Catholic?

“Yes, you can. That ought to be a real discussion between the couple and the priest. There’s nothing that precludes it. The Church does try to be sensitive, not only to the non-Catholic person who may be going to Mass all the time with their Catholic partner and have no problem with it, but the non-Catholic’s family, it might make them very uncomfortable,” Glover said.

 

Are there any times in the year I cannot have a wedding?

A common misconception is that couples cannot have a wedding during Lent or Advent. This has changed somewhat. Couples cannot have a wedding Mass on Sundays in Lent, Advent and Easter, as they are “protected liturgical days,” Glover said. They could, however, have the wedding rites within the regular Sunday Mass during those liturgical seasons. Other days that are prohibited include all solemnities, the Octave of Easter, the days of Holy Week, All Souls Day and Ash Wednesday.

“Couples also have to remember that because of the uniquely penitential nature of the seasons of Lent and Advent, they can’t necessarily decorate the church with flowers and other decorations like they might like to do during those seasons,” Glover said.

 

Why can’t I have secular music or write my own vows?

Because there are different levels of secular music, it would be a “judgment call” between the pastor and couple.

“Maybe it’s not a Catholic artist for Catholic worship, but it has spiritual connotations to it. There’s a spectrum within secularism. I love ‘Star Wars,’ but it’s not appropriate for a wedding,” Glover said. “As Catholics, we don’t denigrate secular music or even Christian music, but that’s not appropriate for Catholic worship. We do believe in something we call sacred music and sacred music is in a category separate and apart from other music, and it’s music that’s intended to be focused on the worship of God and not focused on our feelings or us.”

The vows are set by the Catholic Church and cannot be rewritten because a couple is marrying into “something bigger than yourself.”

“For Catholics getting married, they’re making public vows to get married to one another the way the Church understands marriage and so the Church’s marriage vows are very theologically rich and spiritually rich. A couple could spend all of marriage prep studying the marriage vows and praying and reflecting over what those mean.”

 

Why should a Catholic be married in the Catholic Church?

If a Catholic gets married outside of the Church, their marriage is invalid and they are prohibited from receiving the sacraments during that time of invalidity.

“The bigger picture issue is we want Catholics to want to get married in the Catholic Church and if a Catholic is in a position where they are not getting married in the Catholic Church, I think the Church would rather them be honest with themselves about where they are in their faith life rather than to get married in the Catholic Church because of other pressures or other fears,” Glover said. “We want Catholics to love their Catholic faith so much and have felt so grounded in their lives by their Catholic faith that they want to get married in the Catholic Church.”

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On March 4, Bob and Dolores Moellers renewed their commitment to each other before God at Christ the King Church in Little Rock, surrounded by more than 50 people their love had brought together — nine children, their spouses and grandchildren. 

It was a moment to reflect on their wedding vows from March 2, 1957. But life is drastically different from their wedding day, as the two, Robert, 83, who has Parkinson’s disease, and his wife Dolores, 82, who suffered two strokes last year, live in a nursing home. They still pray together every morning and evening and the vows hold the same meaning even 60 years later.

“We took our vows very seriously on our wedding day. We understood God wanted us to uphold those vows,” Bob said, with Dolores adding, “We never questioned God would provide for us or our family. We never worried about it knowing that he was at the center of our lives.”

Weddings are one day out of a lifetime. Flowers wilt, decorations are taken down, relatives and friends return home and the couple is left to face the lifelong commitment they made to each other and what role God will play in their marriage. 

“If you want to travel life together on your own without a power that is in control of the world, you’re not going to be as successful in my belief,” said Elizabeth Reha, who has served as director of the diocesan Family Life Office for 25 years. “… We know marriage has its ups and its downs and that you want to be happy knowing Christ loves you and there’s something beyond this world. But you also want to know you can survive and deal with the challenge of life with Christ by your side.”

MORE THAN A WEDDING

There were 541 Catholic weddings in Arkansas in 2016. Each couple must go through marriage preparation through a local pastor, which needs to happen at least six months prior to a wedding day. (See sidebar at left)

Msgr. Francis Malone, pastor at Christ the King Church in Little Rock, said there are already 17 planned weddings at his parish this year. Although the wedding day is special, his focus is always on the marriage when meeting with engaged couples.

“I find that most couples have already undertaken a significant amount of preparation for a wedding ceremony when they come to see me, and I would say a high percentage of the couples that I prepare for marriage are not as focused on the spiritual dimension of entering into a Christian marriage,” Msgr. Malone said. “I try to emphasize to each couple I do not prepare people for civil marriages … my focus is not the wedding ceremony. My focus, my concern is ‘Where is this couple going to be in 50 years?’”

Christen McCann, 22, who is engaged to Juan Reyes, 23, was active in a Methodist church growing up. At first, she said it was hard to understand the Catholic faith that Juan had been raised in.

To learn more, McCann said they went to RCIA together in 2015 and she became more involved in Catholic Campus Ministry and Bible study at the University of Central Arkansas in Conway where the two were studying. She is joining the Church this Easter and the two will be married July 14 at St. Joseph Church in Conway, which they view as their “spiritual home.”

“We both grew up in extremely devout Christian families, but we were also faced with the massive challenge of deciding how to handle an interfaith relationship and how it would affect our future. We had to make it a priority to pray, read Scripture and attend Mass together as we tried to grow in the understanding of our faith. Doing these things together brought us so much closer to one another, and also strengthened our faith individually and as a couple,” McCann said. “Having a church to call our home and feeling truly part of a faith community as we enter into marriage is a wonderful blessing.”

Reyes said prayer and reading the Bible has been important in their relationship. 

“We pray at every meal we have together. It’s some accountability we have for each other. We make sure we take time to thank God for his many blessings … and thank God for each other,” he said. 

The key when teaching engaged couples is to make sure they understand that marriage is more than themselves, Reha said.

“We call it a vocation. We don’t just say it’s just a marriage. It’s a vocation to life. It’s a responsibility in this world and into the next,” Reha said. 

BLENDING DIFFERENT FAITHS

After Vatican II, the Catholic Church has “opened up significantly” to Catholics marrying non-Catholics, said Deacon Matt Glover, diocesan chancellor for canonical affairs.

“Two to three generations ago, if a Catholic married a non-Catholic, they were probably getting married outside of the Church,” he said. 

In 2016, 29 percent  — or 156 — of the weddings in the Diocese of Little Rock were mixed or interfaith marriages.

Besides finances, Reha said the biggest concern she hears from engaged couples is how to blend a mixed marriage.

“I have found that a good number of the non-Catholic spouses are already attending church with their Catholic fiancé. You’re coming to the Catholic Church to get married, making certain commitments,” Msgr. Malone said. “So we’re here to prepare you for marriage in the Catholic Church. The purpose of this six months is not to twist the arm of the non-Catholic party to become Catholic, but if he or she wants to do that we will help with that.”

Seth and Alex Baldwin, who were married at St. Mary Church in Altus this past New Year’s Eve, said it’s important to keep the lines of communication open. Though Seth, 31, grew up Presbyterian, he attends church with Alex, 23, and said the Catholic Church is “fulfilling to me.”

“We communicate a lot. We have a lot of philosophical and theological discussions that helps me evolve in my faith,” Alex said, with Seth agreeing, adding they stay strong in the faith by “attending church together, praying together, setting aside time to discuss our daily lives, where we succeed and places we could try harder to be better people for ourselves, in the community and for people around us.”

The Baldwins said it’s important for all engaged couples to take marriage preparation seriously.

“Rather than seeing it as something you have to do, see it as something you get to do,” Alex Baldwin said. “… Discussions need to occur. Honestly you can discover things you didn’t know and you might discover that’s not the relationship you need to be in.”

Reha said couples that go to the Pre-Cana retreat take a 19-question survey that scores each person on a grid, that includes four faith concepts. She said the chart helps couples understand where their partner is in their faith life and how they can grow closer in what they agree upon.

“Saying grace over meals, that’s common ground. Saying the Our Father, that’s a common prayer. Taking the time to share with each other what feeds them, whether it’s Scripture-based or Eucharist-based. So it’s really a conversation about what brings them closer. There’s going to be different levels of growth,” she said. 

Andrew and Aly Sprick, who recently moved to McKinney, Texas, said focusing on common beliefs helped their relationship and marriage. Aly, 25, is Jewish and Andrew, 26, is Catholic and grew up attending Our Lady of the Holy Souls Church in Little Rock. The couple married on Oct. 15, 2016, with a ceremony with a rabbi and priest. The couple had multiple readings from the Old Testament, with the rabbi reciting the traditional seven blessings in Hebrew, and praying the Our Father.

Andrew said the big key is communication and compromise. Aly said that before meals, Andrew says a Catholic prayer and that he soon will be attending his first Passover Seder meal. 

“There’s a lot of overlap there too about Judaism and Christianity. We try not to focus on differences,” he said. But Aly admits at the beginning of their relationship, “we didn’t know what a future would look like. I remember one time being in tears thinking how is this going to work?”

The couple said it’s important for interfaith couples to not ignore the differences.

“Decide what your core values are and what you can compromise on and what you can’t and see if those line up,” she said.

WALKING WITH CHRIST

In marriage preparation, Msgr. Malone said he emphasizes two main points to sustain a faith-filled marriage: their worship life and prayer life. He said it’s vital couples go to Mass every week and hopefully at the same Mass to develop a routine.

“All those things that are really strong in their marriage and not so strong in marriage, take those to church each week in thanksgiving to God for what they have and petition to God to strengthen their marriage,” Msgr. Malone said. “

Since 1990, Msgr. Malone has had each engaged couple develop a wedding prayer that they can pray every day of their engagement and marriage.

“If couples stay true to that wedding prayer and stay true to going to church every Sunday it’s almost guaranteed their marriage will not experience divorce,” he said. “Problems, yes, crises yes … but these are the tools to deal with it.”

Jake and Andrea Whisenhunt, who attend St. Mary Church in Hot Springs, said their marriage has improved since their convalidation ceremony on Sept. 24, 2016. The couple were married at the courthouse in August 2012. At the time, Andrea was not Catholic and did not feel comfortable in the Church, she said. After meeting with Father George Sanders, pastor at St. Mary who also came from a Protestant background, Andrea, 32, said she began to learn more about her husband’s Catholic faith. She joined the Church in 2016 and their 3-year-old daughter Emma was baptized.

“I think our marriage has gotten stronger since we joined the Catholic Church. Before we fought and argued all the time about where we were going to church so we just quit going,” she said. “… We pray as a family at dinner time, at bedtime and we try to read the Scriptures.”

Jake, 34, said while he did not want to “force” his wife to become Catholic or attend Mass, being on the same page has been a blessing.

“It made me feel really good she was joining me on that path, and we could have something to share with each other,” he said.

Reha said that learning how to be a best friend to your spouse, working on a relationship and being there for one another parallels the journey people walk with God. And seeing God in a spouse is the ultimate respect.

“You’re looking at Christ, you’re looking at Jesus. That brings a different kind of respect to your partner as opposed to just looking at them as a thing,” Reha said. “… The marriage is going to be enhanced with Christ at the center. Not only enhanced, but survived and in happiness.”

ROME — Because most people today do not understand that sacramental marriage really is a bond that binds them to each other for life, many marriages today can be considered invalid, Pope Francis said.

Raising a point he has raised before, and one also raised by now-retired Pope Benedict XVI, Pope Francis insisted June 16 that the validity of a marriage implies that a couple understands that sacramental marriage is a bond that truly binds them to another for their entire lives.

“We are living in a culture of the provisional,” he told participants in the Diocese of Rome’s annual pastoral conference.

Answering questions after giving a prepared talk, Pope Francis told the story of a bishop who said a university graduate came to him saying he wanted to be a priest, but only for 10 years.

The idea of commitments being temporary “occurs everywhere, even in priestly and religious life. The provisional. And for this reason a large majority of sacramental marriages are null. They say ‘yes, for my whole life,’ but they do not know what they are saying because they have a different culture,” he said.

The Vatican press office, publishing a transcript the next day, adjusted the pope’s words to read, “A part of our sacramental marriages are null because they (the spouses) say, ‘Yes, for my whole life,’ but they do not know what they are saying because they have a different culture.”

Jesuit Father Federico Lombardi, Vatican spokesman, said transcripts of the pope’s off-the-cuff remarks always are reviewed for precision and clarity prior to publication. “When dealing with particularly important topics, the revised text always is given to the pope himself. That happened in this case, therefore the published text was approved expressly by the pope.”

Sacrament vs. Society

Attitudes toward marriage are influenced strongly by social expectations, the pope said, telling the story of a young man who told the pope he and his fiancée had not celebrated their wedding yet because they were looking for a church with decor that would go well with her dress. “These are people’s concerns,” the pope said. “How can we change this? I don’t know.”

Pope Francis told participants that when he was archbishop of Buenos Aires, Argentina, he banned “shotgun weddings” from Catholic parishes because the strong social pressure to marry placed on a couple expecting a baby could mean they were not fully free to pledge themselves to each other for life through the sacrament.

It was important, he said, that the couples were not abandoned, but were assisted by the Church. Many of them, he said, “after two or three years would marry. I would watch them enter the church — dad, mom and the child holding their hands. They knew well what they were doing.”

“The crisis of marriage is because people do not know what the sacrament is, the beauty of the sacrament; they do not know that it is indissoluble, that it is for one’s entire life,” he said. “It’s difficult.”

Meeting in July 2005 with priests in northern Italy, Pope Benedict also raised the question of the validity of marriages that, while performed in church, bound together two baptized Catholics who had little understanding of the faith, the meaning of the sacraments and the indissolubility of marriage.

Asked about Communion for a divorced and civilly remarried person, Pope Benedict had responded, “I would say that a particularly painful situation is that of those who were married in the church, but were not really believers and did so just for tradition, and then finding themselves in a new, nonvalid marriage, convert, find the faith and feel excluded from the sacrament.”

Pope Benedict said that when he was prefect of the Congregation for the Doctrine of the Faith he asked several bishops’ conferences and experts to study the problem, which in effect was “a sacrament celebrated without faith.”

He said he had thought that the Church marriage could be considered invalid because the faith of the couple celebrating the sacrament was lacking. “But from the discussions we had, I understood that the problem was very difficult” and that further study was necessary.

Validity by Canon Law

According to the Code of Canon Law, “For matrimonial consent to exist, the contracting parties must be at least not ignorant that marriage is a permanent partnership between a man and a woman ordered to the procreation of offspring by means of some sexual cooperation.”

In a formal speech in 2015 to the Roman Rota, a marriage tribunal, Pope Francis said: “The judge, in pondering the validity of the consent expressed, must take into account the context of values and of faith — their presence or absence — in which the intent to marry was formed. In fact, ignorance of the contents of the faith could lead to what the code (of canon law) calls an error conditioning the will. This eventuality is not to be considered rare as in the past, precisely because worldly thinking often prevails over the magisterium of the Church.”

Final installment of a two-part series on dating and Catholic singles

In a fast-paced world of evolving technology and social media, the idea of love at first sight is often traded in for intrigue at first click.  

For adults savvy with a smart device or computer and committed to finding love, online dating has become a real prospect. According to a Pew Research Center study in 2015, 15 percent of adults have dated online through websites and apps.

The stigma and misconceptions about finding love online are changing and it has become a viable option for Catholics.

 

Friend request

When Pew Research conducted a survey to find out the online dating habits of U.S. citizens in 2005, it was considered a “subpar way” to meet someone.

Nick and Kristin Ables, youth ministers at Our Lady of Good Counsel Church in Little Rock, married in 2012 after meeting online two years earlier. It was the first time either had created an online dating profile on CatholicMatch.com.

“I think it goes back to not wanting to tell people first off you have an online (dating) account. When I was in college I thought that makes me look desperate and it’s kind of sketchy too,” Kristin said.

They met in person for the first time on New Year’s Day 2011, when Nick, from Little Rock, visited her at college in Tennessee.

“When we first went to dinner with her friends, she had this whole back story of how we met” rather than online, Nick laughed. “I think it was more about what we thought people would think as opposed to what they thought … nobody we’ve told has ever said anything about it other than ‘oh that’s cool.’”

Today, about half of people surveyed know someone who has dated online and just 23 percent believe online dating is “desperate,” compared to 29 percent in 2005. In 2015, 59 percent believe that online dating is a good way to meet someone, compared to just 44 percent 10 years ago.

The Ables, who welcomed daughter Siena Catherine Aug. 22, are part of just 5 percent of Americans who married or are in a committed relationship with someone they met online, pewresearch.org stated. 

Branson Shaffer, 24, a history and religion teacher at St. Edward School in Little Rock, found his girlfriend a year and a half ago online.

“It was, ‘Oh man, online dating is only for if you can’t find somebody.’ You were so bad at dating people you know, you had to go online. Which I think is a terrible way to look at it,” he said. “It just opens up so many options of people you never would meet but would be a perfect match for you.”

 

Wide World on the Web

From 2013 to 2015, the number of 18- to 24-year-olds who used online dating almost tripled, from 10 percent to 27 percent. It has raised for those 35 to 44 years old to 21 percent and up to 12 percent for 55 to 64 year olds.

While Nick and Kristin, living in different states at the time, both admit they had to “weed out” people they met online, it was an opportunity to meet people not limited to their area, who shared the same values.

“We couldn’t go on dates with each other and we were forced to talk more and get to know each other that way,” Kristin said. “We were able to know each other deeper before we got to be together.”

That built-up connection helped, considering the first time they met did not set off any sparks.

“I told him you’re going to make some girl very happy one day,” Kristin laughed. Nick added, “It was just so different being in person. But, I just kept texting her.”

At one point, the couple had 15,000 texts together in one month.

For Shaffer, a bad break-up pushed his friends to intervene for him. 

“They said, ‘No Branson, you need to get out there and at least meet people.’ They downloaded on my phone, of all things, Tinder,” Shaffer laughed. Tinder, a dating app, has become known more for casual dating, rather than finding a real relationship. “They wouldn’t stop hounding me about it. I said, ‘OK I’ll do it’ … Olivia was really the first person I talked to and we’ve been together ever since.”

Shaffer joined the Church in 2014, and met Olivia Collins, 21, soon after.

“She had in her bio all this cool stuff — she was into film, art and music and I thought this was someone I can get along with,” Shaffer said. “But the first thing she had on there was like ‘bride of Christ.’ I thought, ‘OK, I can actually relate.’ Unless this is a trick, she’s advertising she believes in God and follows him. I’ll chance this one.”

Collins said Shaffer “seemed very intelligent, that’s what kind of drew me to him.” Plus, his profile photo was on a rock plateau, which was Masada in Israel.

“Her first question was, ‘Where was your picture taken? That looks awesome’ and then she asked if it was a pilgrimage. Kind of our first talk was about religious beliefs, the first thing you’re not supposed to talk about,” Shaffer laughed.

Both students at UCA, the two were studying in different departments and likely never would have crossed paths. Collins, who was nondenominational, joined the Church this Easter and the couple plan on getting engaged.

“I think it just opens up the possibilities of finding somebody you’re actually compatible with; especially if you don’t want to date people in your friend base,” Collins said of online dating.

 

Finding a Catholic Match

While there are several reputable dating sites, CatholicMatch.com is committed to helping people find those that share Catholic values.

“We are a major tool in the lives of people looking for sacramental marriages,” said Robyn Lee, managing editor of CatholicMatch Institute. “We provide content and education for Catholics so they can better discern dating and marriages. It’s really evolved.”

CatholicMatch started as Saint Raphael.net in 1999 and grew into a dating website that counted its one millionth registered profile in 2013, with thousands of marriages reported each year.

“‘If you’re online you’re a freak and only ax murders are on there,’” Lee said of the old way of thinking. “There’s a total mentality change. The internet and social media have become a part of our daily lives.”

The company provides an online guide to using CatholicMatch for the best results, Lee said.

“Online dating isn’t this magic thing. If you buy a membership to a gym are you automatically going to be buff and thin? It’s the same concept with online dating,” Lee said. “It’s a tool; it’s not meant to completely fill your life. Relationships happen face to face. We encourage people to use this tool to meet people when they normally wouldn’t.”

It is free to join, but there are also paid subscriptions that provide more content, Lee said.

While a person does not have to be Catholic, several questions will be asked before a profile is posted, including: Do you accept Church teaching on the Eucharist, sanctity of life, premarital sex, the Immaculate Conception, etc.?

Lee said having “deal breakers” are healthy, but some take it too far.

“Are you excluding someone who is a Yankees fan because you’re a Red Sox fan?,” Lee said. “It’s very good and healthy to have those deal breakers about faith and raising children. But take a step back and think — are you making a list of a perfect spouse and does that person not exist?”

Instead of just being an online dating presence, CatholicMatch has kept close ties to the Church, officially launching CatholicMatch Institute (catholicmatch.com/institute), an online resource with information and blogs about Catholic teachings on marriage and dating for single people, couples, Church leaders and diocesan family life offices in 2013.

Though online dating may not be that love-at-first-sight story, it is still another way for God to be the supreme matchmaker. 

“I think through online dating it really allows God to work because he’s going to allow you to meet the person you’re meant to be with,” Nick Ables said.

ROGERS — It’s not Valentine’s Day, just yet, but love was in the air in northwest Arkansas as almost 1,000 couples came together over a weekend at St. Vincent de Paul Parish to learn the secrets of a healthy marriage.

Despite frigid temps and a few flurries, a record number of married, engaged and dating couples attended two marriage events hosted in both English and Spanish at the Rogers parish on Friday, Jan. 8 and Saturday, Jan. 9.

Around 530 couples attended Friday night’s event “Passion and Purpose for Marriage” sponsored by Dynamic Catholic Institute featuring author and speaker Dr. Allen Hunt. The following evening more than 450 couples were present for the Spanish “Marriage Encounter” with the well-known couple Luis and Martha Oseguera of Dallas and special guest, Father Angel Espinosa of Mexico.

“People were very excited and look forward to similar events being sponsored in the area,” said Karen Peters, adult formation coordinator at the parish.

And couples were not the only ones walking away happy, according to Peters.

“The organizers were very pleased with the turnout on Friday evening,” she said. “I was told it was one of the largest marriage audiences to date and a great kick-off for the new year.”

Hunt, a former Methodist minister of a megachurch and a best-selling author, captivated couples Friday night. Hunt has a unique perspective of being a former pastor and a husband of 25 years. Hunt, who converted to Catholicism eight years ago, has also counseled couples for more than 20 years. In his presentation, he shared key ingredients of healthy marriages. Hunt also communicated how effort, attention and forgiveness all help nourish the marital relationship and make it more successful. Participants heard Hunt speak on five things women need to know about men and five things men need to know about women and the most important word in a marriage.

Couples, young and old, found the evening to be insightful.

Married 56 years, Elaine and Jerry Jarvis said, “We can always improve. We’ve been successful being together thus far, but with God’s help and prayer we can accomplish what he wants us to do.”

One of the younger couples of the evening, to be married April 9 of this year, came to the event to understand each other’s love language. Sara Donahue, a Catholic, and her fiancé, Michael Barley, a Mormon, are both strong in their respective faiths.

“But we want to grow and learn what we can do to improve our future marriage and make it stronger,” Donahue said.

Saturday night’s reviews were equally as positive. Among the Catholic Hispanic community around the nation, the Osegueras and Father Espinosa are well-known speakers. The priest’s inspirational message shared with couples encouraged the importance of love, respect and understanding in a marriage.

“We both liked it because Padre Espinosa gave us words of wisdom, life and love,” said Arturo Hernandez, who is a director for the St. Andrew School of Evangelization for the parish. Married to Verta since 2009, and a leader of a Spanish Bible study, Hernandez said he felt like the presentation was like an “emergency shot” for the many Hispanic couples that attended.

“I think it helped us and other couples to understand one another better,” Hernandez said.

Peters cited Pope Francis’ recent emphasis on marriage and the family as motivation for hosting such an event.

“These presentations are a fantastic way to gain insight, grow and be nourished,” she said. “Pope Francis said at the recent World Meeting of Families in Philadelphia that our families and our homes are true domestic churches,” Peters said. “The pope said, ‘They are the right place for faith to become life, and life to become faith,’” she added.

Since last May, the parish has been planning to sponsor this event and began advertising it in the West Ozark Deanery and the diocese following the second Ozark Liturgical Conference held in August. The committee’s efforts were rewarded as couples came from as far away as Plano, Texas, and central Arkansas to hear Hunt and musical guest George Lower.

Happiness is determined by our expectations and our ability to notice and rejoice in little things. If our expectations are modest, life will usually exceed our expectations and we will be happy; if our expectations are unrealistic, we end up disappointed.

For instance, I spent the summer of 1979 in Kenya and most of the people in our parish lived in tiny homes with no running water, electricity or indoor plumbing. But since that was the only life they knew, they didn’t expect anything else and so weren’t disappointed in their expectations and indeed rejoiced in what they did have — they were by and large happy.

By contrast, when I came home I was struck by how unhappy many Americans are: Young couples disappointed that their starter home will not be as nice as they had hoped, employees angry that their boss isn’t more caring, parents disappointed that their children are just average, adults unable to cope with an elderly parent’s death. Other people are happy to have a home at all, to have a job at all, to have children at all, to have had their parents as long as they did.

It’s a matter of expectations and being able to notice and rejoice in the little blessings of life. And the same thing is true about happiness in marriage.

In today’s Gospel the Pharisees test Jesus by asking him whether it is lawful for a husband to divorce his wife. This was an attempt to destroy his popularity because a strict position on divorce would obviously be unpopular with the crowds, among whom were undoubtedly some divorcees and others stuck in unhappy marriages.

But popular or not, Jesus sticks with the truth that divorce does not end a valid marriage. Elsewhere Paul will address invalid marriages, the annulment of marriages missing something needed for validity. But Jesus teaches that if a marriage is valid, divorce may end its civil effects, split up the property, but it does not end its spiritual bond — and sex with anyone else is adultery. A very unpopular position for Jesus to take in a society like our own where divorce also was common.

Why is it that so many marriages are so unhappy that 50 percent end in divorce? There are lots of reasons, some of which are understandable and even unavoidable — say in the case of domestic violence — but often the problem is simply that people had unrealistic expectations that sabotaged their marriage right from the start, coupled with an inability to notice and rejoice in the small blessings of daily life. Some expect their spouse to do what only God can do: To meet all their needs for security, support and closeness.

If we take the ideal to be the minimum, we should not be surprised when our spouse can’t meet our unrealistic expectations. All of us have defects and so all marriages are less than ideal and to expect otherwise is self-defeating.

A week ago I was in Philadelphia for the World Meeting of Families in which eloquent speakers gave insightful presentations touching on many of the cultural factors that have led to the breakdown of the family and resources for healing broken families and broken hearts. This culminated in an outdoor Mass with Pope Francis last Sunday in which an estimated 1 million people participated.

In this Mass Pope Francis focused on tenderness and noticing all of the little miracles of everyday life, and on how faith opens for us a “‘window’ to the presence and working of the Spirit.” Given the Gospel we have today, I would like to draw your attention especially to these words.

He said faith “shows us that, like happiness, holiness is always tied to little gestures. ‘Whoever gives you a cup of water in my name will not go unrewarded’, says Jesus (cf. Mark 9:41). These little gestures are those we learn at home, in the family; they get lost amid all the other things we do, yet they do make each day different. They are the quiet things done by mothers and grandmothers, by fathers and grandfathers, by children, by brothers and sisters. They are little signs of tenderness, affection and compassion. Like the warm supper we look forward to at night, the early lunch awaiting someone who gets up early to go to work. Homely gestures. Like a blessing before we go to bed, or a hug after we return from a hard day’s work.

“Love is shown by little things, by attention to small daily signs which make us feel at home. Faith grows when it is lived and shaped by love. That is why our families, our homes, are true domestic churches. They are the right place for faith to become life, and life to grow in faith.”

Why was it that in the days of arranged marriages there was so little divorce? Part of the reason was that social pressure and mutual need kept divorce from even being an option for most people. Also, life expectancy was so short that few couples had to endure an unhappy marriage for very long!

But a more important reason was that peoples’ expectations were modest. Like with Tevye in “Fiddler on the Roof,” people married not for romance, but rather for companionship — to raise a family, to accomplish things that neither could do alone.

As we learn in Tevye’s song “Do you love me?” it was only after 39 years of marriage that he and his wife even begin to ask the question of whether they have fallen in love with each other in a romantic sense — in arranged marriages, love was a hoped-for fruit of marriage, not a pre-condition for marriage. And amid all their many troubles they discovered they were happy.

Why? Their expectations were modest, so they were able to take troubles in stride and because life exceeded their modest expectations, they were grateful. Indeed, in their song, they list a whole series of small miracles experienced in their 39 years together. Homely gestures. Un-dramatic expressions of tenderness and care. Preparing meals, doing laundry, raising children, earning a living.

Does this mean we should lower our standards? Of course not, but it may mean we should have more realistic expectations. A glass that is half empty has just as much in it as a glass that is half full, it’s all a matter of how you look at the glass.

In this as in so many other areas of life, happiness is determined by our expectations.