Catholic High School of Little Rock was the setting for a talk by Roy Petitfils of Lafayette, La., on the subject many parents of teens know well — the importance and challenges of effective communication.
Petitfils pulled no punches in his talk Oct. 10, peppering the crowd with amusing personal insights wedged between sobering statistics and anecdotes from decades as a high school religion teacher, youth ministry leader, counselor and author.
"The questions for parents remain the same as always," Petitfils told the assembled parents. "'How do I protect my child?' 'How do I raise a productive, God-fearing young man or woman?' However, the answers have changed."
Petitfils revealed some facts about teen behavior, linking it back to their psychology and development that enhance or hinder communication with adults. Teens, he said, operate on a level of emotional maturity and understanding that is surprisingly acute but often lack the ability to put that understanding into words. Parents too often interpret this inner struggle as apathy or poor attitude, which amplifies frustration.
"Teenagers are experience rich and language poor," he said. "They understand a great deal, but they can't always express themselves. As parents we forget what it was like to think that way and when we speak to our teenagers, we expect them to talk to us like an adult."
When teens and parents have limited communication, both sides are left to guess what the other side is thinking and that often results in a summary judgment of neither side caring about the other. Nothing could be further from the truth, Petitfils said.
"All evidence to the contrary that you might experience, every kid wants to be loved and accepted by his or her parents," he said. "When they don't get that, they settle for other things to make them feel loved and accepted."
Such surrogates to parental affection aren't hard to find. Teens today have almost unfettered access and exposure to harmful and potentially fatal people, substances and activities than previous generations did. The rising number of divorced couples and single-parent households mean teens spend more of their day left to their own devices.
Petitfils said 10 percent of teens report either having seriously considered suicide and 10 percent of teenage boys and perhaps as many as 20 percent of teenage girls report struggling with questions about their sexual orientation.
Recent studies place the number of teenage girls who have been or will be in an abusive relationship at about 33 percent and the number of underage individuals solicited for sex online at one in seven. Half of juveniles have tried smoking and 72 percent have tried alcohol by their senior year.
Petitfils offered some specific techniques for improving communication with teens.
n_First, he said, avoid hitting them with questions right after school just because that seems the logical time to inquire. Teens' biological clocks keep different hours than most adults' and after school is often prime decompress time.
"The right time to talk to teens is whenever they are ready to talk," he said.
n_Limiting or regulating outside influences can help teens sort through issues and feelings in a manner that is more in line with the family's values. Setting clear and firm boundaries for personal relationships and online usage are critical.
n_Finally, parents should be creative in their attempts to connect with their teen. Petitfils said teens gravitate to music that speaks what they can't yet fully articulate, so listening to the teen's music and studying the lyrics can give conversations a place to start.
Most of all, he cautioned, parents should not be fooled into thinking that just because their teens aren't talking to them that they aren't talking to anybody.
"I know there are some things that kids won't talk about with parents, and there are some things that your kids will not tell you," Petitfils said. "But as parents, we want them to at least feel comfortable enough to come to us with the big things."
