BENTONVILLE — "If Miller knew one thing, he knew he was loved. God blessed us with a precious child and allowed us the honor, privilege, and joy of having him in our presence for 87 days. In that short time through the sparkle of those big blue eyes and shy little smile, he lifted the spirit of many and changed the lives of others forever."
In writing about the life and death of her youngest son, Meredith Woodruff shares the details of his short time and the effects on the family and the community.
Miller was born March 28 and died June 23 from a condition known as Spinal Muscular Atrophy, a motor neuron disorder affecting the voluntary muscles.
Miller's father, Patrick Woodruff, said, "We are trying to make the best of this terrible situation by starting the Miller McNeil Woodruff Foundation. With this family foundation, we are giving back to non-profits that were part of his journey: Arkansas Children's Hospital, Circle of Life Hospice and Families of SMA."
The action of this young Catholic family in starting the foundation illustrates one of the many ways to find hope after loss, according to the National Catholic Ministry to the Bereaved website, www.griefwork.org.
"When we started the foundation, we knew we wanted to do something to remember him by," Meredith said. "Obviously, we will remember him the rest of our lives, but we wanted other people to remember him also."
Sister Elizabeth Koehler, RSM, bereavement coordinator at St. Joseph Mercy Health Center in Hot Springs, said, "The one thing I would suggest to anyone who is grieving is to have patience with yourself and others in your family. Grief is a very individualized, personal process. Taking care of yourself is important.
"Some of your holiday traditions may change this year; perhaps next year you might feel like returning to the regular traditions for your family, or you might decide you like the new ones better. Perhaps it is a good idea to celebrate the life of your loved one in some way such as a memorial offering or share with others how your loved one 'gifted' you with their presence in your life."
In addition to Miller, the Woodruffs have older son, 3-year-old Cole.
"Cole has no idea what a rock he has been for Meredith and me during this time. He lives day to day and talks about Miller all the time. He just puts a smile on your face," Patrick said.
"Cole is the perfect age now." Meredith said. "He is old enough to remember Miller, but he is young enough not to be scarred by all of it. There are days when you want to cry and Cole keeps us from falling in that hole."
The Woodruffs understood the urgency of their situation from the time Miller was born on March 28 until he died 87 days later. One thing that stands out is the community that rallied to their needs. One of these people was Miller's pediatrician, Dr. George Schaefer, also a member of St. Vincent de Paul Church in Rogers.
Meredith said, "It was reassuring to us that Dr. Schaefer was a man of faith — who has the same beliefs that we have as a family. When you have a life or death situation, this is comforting."
The Woodruffs knew that when Miller was two weeks old that he was not developing normally.
Patrick Woodruff said, "After our office visit with Dr. Schaefer and the neurologist when Miller was three weeks old, he told us, 'If this were my son or daughter, I would take the baby to Arkansas Children's Hospital immediately.' After Dr. Schaefer made all of the arrangements to get us admitted, we were in an ambulance on our way the next morning."
Cristie Ginther, Circle of Life Hospice director of bereavement services in Springdale, offered this suggestion.
"If you had a certain gift that you traditionally gave to your loved one in the past, I would encourage you to continue this practice by donating the same gift to one of your favorite non-profit groups. These kinds of memories help the grief process," she said. Circle of Life Hospice also provides a checklist for coping with grief during the holidays on its website, www.nwacircleoflife.org.
It was at Arkansas Children's Hospital that the Woodruffs received Miller's official diagnosis.
"We were at Children's for a week before we returned home," Meredith said. "There we encountered teams of doctors, nurses, interns, social workers, chaplains. They were so supportive. We still keep in touch with some of the doctors there through social media.
"The support we get from Facebook and our blog has helped us tremendously. Sometimes when people aren't comfortable picking up the phone — they don't know what to say — now they will just send a message with e-mail, Facebook, texting."
Patrick said, "It has been real special the outpouring of public support. We have been blown away by the support — not only in northwest Arkansas — but the state of Arkansas and throughout the United States. We have received all kind of support with pictures and Facebook messages too."
Keeping the memories of loved ones alive is what is important to many families.
Kathy Kordsmeier, Beacon of Hope Ministry director at St. Joseph Church in Conway, encourages these families to consider "changing the usual family gift exchange in a way to honor your loved one's memory with a donation to his or her favorite charity. Encourage family and friends to share stories and pictures of the deceased during any holiday get-together to keep the memories alive."
It is through the Beacon of Hope Ministry that the parish provides comfort for families with its Christmas Remembrance service that honors the memory of babies, both born and unborn, and children who have died.
For friends and family members who are grieving because of the loss of a loved one at this time of the year, Kordsmeier urges others "to honor their requests and do not insist on their doing anything they do not want to do. Let them know it's OK to change their minds about participating in an activity at the last minute. It is also important to realize that you should not avoid talking about their loved one for fear of upsetting them. Allow them to cry and do not be afraid to cry with them."
Patrick Woodruff pointed out that "When we talk about Miller, it makes us stronger because we want to talk about him. Everyone wants to hear us talk about him, which makes it easier for us. It has helped Meredith and me a lot in the grief process."
After the Woodruffs returned home with Miller from Arkansas Children's Hospital, they enlisted the aid of Circle of Life Hospice Center where Miller died June 23. On June 28 a memorial service was held at St. Vincent de Paul Church with Msgr. David LeSieur officiating. More than 750 people attended the service.
Patrick said he knows his son's life had an impact on others.
"Mary McKinney, CEO of Circle of Life Hospice, told us, 'There are those that may live to be 100 years old and don't have near the legacy that little Miller has had when they passed.' That is pretty special for an 87-day-old baby to have touched all those lives."
Now as the holiday season approaches, the Woodruffs will be observing Christmas and trying to cope with their grief and loss.
In an effort to help families deal with the loss of a child during the holidays, Compassionate Friends has designated the second Sunday of each December as Worldwide Candle Lighting, now in its 15th year. It was created as a time to remember, honor and reflect on the lives of these children who have died at any age and from any cause.
Meredith Woodruff said, "We honestly would not be where we are today if it had not been for the support of family and friends. I tell people that I have always been a Christian and I have always prayed, but I have never believed in the power of prayer like I do now."
For more information about SMA and the Miller McNeil Woodruff Foundation, go to www.imwithmiller.com.
